Dear users of VideoHelper:
We, the management of VideoHelper, would like to apologize to our loyal clients for erroneous and, quite frankly, outlandish claims we have made regarding our products in both our advertising and literature in the past years.
These inaccuracies are important for us to rectify because we feel it is our sworn duty as morally upstanding human beings to now be honest about our products. And because the Federal Trade Commission has threatened to sue our pants off if we didn’t.
False claims VideoHelper has made:
• OUR MUSIC IS MADE IN THE UNITED STATES: It’s made in China. But our original claims that each cut is composed by chimpanzees is still true.
• OUR MUSIC IS WRITTEN BY CHIMPANZEES: Oh crap.
• OUR MUSIC MAY CURE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION: This was a typo. We meant “cause,” but our spell-check failed to catch it. Apparently, the government is a real stickler about spelling. Same with our claims about listening to our music giving you “BUNS OF STEEL.” We meant “steer.” Damn Chinese typesetters.
• OUR PRODUCT IS 100% DOLPHIN-FREE: Those damn dolphins get into everything.
• OUR MUSIC CURES MALE PATTERN PENILE BALDNESS, RESTFUL LEG SYNDROME , MIRACLE PLECEBOS, MYOPIC CLAIRVOYANCE and NARCOLEPTIC INSOMNIA: If these were actual diseases, we’re legally forced to admit that we, in fact, don’t cure them either.
While we’re not in court or selling furniture to pay for legal fees, we’re making discs – including our newest release: Disc 30: StereoAtypical, a collection of 61 cuts, addresses some of the more requested and needed musical fare for holidays and events – but taking a unconventional approach. The disc includes such never-to-be classics as the wedding music cliché-fest turned ugly “GROOM TO THE GALLOWS,” the retro-hip Halloween creepy-meets-campy (“crampy?”) “FRANKENSTOMP,” the grade school interpretation of Election Day of “HELL TO THE CHIEF,” the NASCAR-friendly and driving (get it?) sounds of “MOTORSPORTS MAYHEM” – all the way to the 50’s-inspired, parody-friendly “THE GIRLS GO SHOPPING.” The disc also includes a wide variety of Christmas, Hannukah and New Year’s Music, for the coming holiday binge.
