VideoHelper Production Music is proud to announce the immediate release of their
custom-designed web search engine. This new system, developed in conjunction with Harvest Media in Sydney, incorporates more than 35 client-requested features, creating a faster, more intuitive search experience that “thinks like a producer.”
MONTHS OF EXTENSIVE BETA TESTING
However, initial users of the completely redesigned and optimized VideoHelper search engine have reported that while the new engine was "okay at finding music," most beta testers reported that the site "is lacking in hardcore content," "didn't get Mr Happy excited," and “I could hear the music, but where was the video? Worst. Adult. Site. Ever.”
Although we feel that there is an adequate amount of hardcore Punk and Metal represented within our library, we were unable to raise Mr Happy, due to the anonymous, double-blind aspect of the testing. It's worth noting that similar complaints were registered by a Mr Johnson and Mr Wang.
MISTAKES WERE MADE
In an attempt to curb excessive budget overage, beta testing was performed by volunteers at a men’s clinic in Centereach, NJ. “Users” was shorthand for methadone users, which comprised a majority of the paid volunteers. The remaining testers included the elderly, destitute, intravenous drug abusers and the “Ragnaroth Tribe,” a World of Warcraft clan, with a median age of 9.
Because of the clinic’s stringent policy of anonymity and the fact that the clinic “smells like apple juice and ass,” VideoHelper IT specialist Alex Koch was unable to directly provide the testers with the site’s intent – or even what VideoHelper and/or production music is.
PEOPLE JUST COULDN'T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!
Beta testing resulted in more than 2,000 pages of angry ramblings from drug-addled, mentally unbalanced men who vocally disapproved of our site’s lack of pornography. Comments remained in the very limited range of “Boooooring” to “What is this crap?” - to one tester’s non-verbal attempt to mainline ink, using his pen as a syringe.
Frustratingly, they all failed to notice all of our new features, such as our innovative “Scenarios” option, which allows users to search for tracks using real-world descriptions for situations/emotions. “Don’t You Die On Me Man,” “Debate, Gladiator Style,” “Blowing Stuff Up,” and “Slo-Mo Punt Return” are just a few of the more than the 289 initial categories, which will be updated as the library grows and additional Lohans get sent to prison.
“In hindsight, maybe we should have spent more money time getting more professional beta-testers,” said Joseph Saba, President of the now-doomed company.
AN IMPRESSIVE LIST OF UNNOTICED FEATURES!
Aside from the streamlined interface and ultra-quick, Flash-based architecture, other overlooked features and improvements include:
• Graphic waveform displays of tracks, providing an instant audio and visual guide to where cuts build, pause or change intensity
• 100s of archival cuts, background/alternate versions and remixes not available on our physical CD’s
• Access to instantly-produced “mini-discs” of original material that reflect current events or client requests, such as the Olympics, political races and world crises
• Instant MP3 or full-bandwidth downloads of individual cuts of entire playlists
• Time-saving dynamic scrolling
• Improved emailing/sharing of tracks/playlists between users
• Speed-limiting measures (which might appear as crashes/errors to the untrained eye) prevent the ultra-fast site from melting computer processors, triggering epilepsy or starting a fire due to its incredible speed.
"BUT HOW DO I GET THERE?"
The new search engine is now online and available to VideoHelper clients and fans alike. The site can be accessed directly through search.videohelper.com (remember no “www” at the top, our anal-retentive friends) -- or through the VideoHelper website once our website guys get their shit together.
Or, screw it: click HERE.
To celebrate its initial release, a the newest VideoHelper disc (Disc 40: “Dramageddon”) will soon be made exclusively available on the site before it's available on physical CD's, or appears on other affiliated search sites/WWE Wrestling fan webpages.
