The following is a corrected version of the letter we accidentally sent out earlier this month. Please take a moment to ammend your copy.This holiday season, we ask you, our beloved clients, to look deep into your hearts.
If you see your arteries clotted with white, fatty tissue, you might only have hours left to live, as coronary plaque means impending fatal heart attack. Why not use your last hours of life to donate money? Come on Porky, you’re a goner, anyway. This year, millions of people will be unable to celebrate Christmas.
They’re called Jewish people. We ask you to generously give this year to those who have been less fortunate than yourself
at the craps table and online poker. It doesn’t have to be much. For just the price of a daily cup of coffee, you can change the life of someone
if they really, really needed a cup of coffee. Every year people throughout the world depend on complete strangers to open their arms to those who are unable to help themselves,
which is probably what happened to the Lindbergh baby. So while you’re warm in your bed this Winter
wondering why you’ve been beset with sudden bedwetting issues, think of those who are sleeping outside tonight
and hope your wife doesn’t find out you accidentally left the kids in the car. As we recall the wonderful story by Dr Seuss: “…and it’s said the Grinch’s heart grew three sizes that day.”
This is called myocarditis. It is in most cases, fatal. That green bastard never had a chance. Save yourself before its too late. And as our gift to you, we’d like to announce the immediate availability of our newest release the
VH HOLIDAY BONUS DISC 2009. This disc features 17 totally new (well, for us) Holiday cuts that range from the straightforward, Classically-tinged and overly optimistic
Miracle on 21st Street; to the uptempo, but “what the Hell is your Holiday family gathering like?” dark, driving feel of
Revenge of The Carol of The Bells; to the Charlie-Brown-esque
Hark The Sprit of Christmas; to the Wall of Sound/Phil Spector/NRA-tinged sound of
Introducing the Christmasettes and many, many more. We’ve also included alternate and background versions for those more/less adventurous. Most of you should have received in the mail by now – and those of you who haven’t can find it under the “Online Exclusives” part of our search engine and wonder why we don’t find you important enough to be included on our mailing list.
