Dear Employees of VideoHelper:
Upon returning from my two-week vacation I was alarmed to find that substantive, unauthorized changes were made in the company during my absence.
Although I applaud creative and forward-minded thinking, these modifications do not better our company or our position in the marketplace, and I demand the cessation of the following practices immediately:
BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY: This once-a-year celebration of parenthood was fine. However, this is not a day-to-day practice, and I wish to remind you in the strongest of terms that you may only bring YOUR daughter to work. I will see if our legal counsel can get Larry released on bail.
BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS: These are limited to those in the office who are celebrating their birthdays – and not just the birthdays that may happen to occur on that day. Last week’s celebrations of the birthdays of Nicola Tesla, Nelson Rockefeller, the guy who plays “Screech,” 22nd US President Grover Cleveland and the Pederone Quintuplets was entirely against policy.
PHONE BEHAVIOUR: You will answer the phone with our company name and a friendly greeting. You will no longer be allowed to pretend you don’t speak English or run office-wide gambling based on caller’s stamina in the “indefinite hold Olympics.”
S’MORES: Although I applaud the camaraderie and community that roasting marshmallows in a fireplace may bring, I would like to suggest that it should not only wait until after business hours, but also until the office has a fireplace installed.
GRAPHIC REDESIGN OF DISCS AND NEW LOGO: Of all the indiscretions that occurred during the past two weeks, I am pleased with the individual who introduced a new VideoHelper logo and CD design. The old VH logo was more than an eyesore – and after ten years it needed to be retired.
I find it more than convenient that this redesign coincides with the release of VH DISC 31: OVERKILL -- a 61-cut collection of over-the-top cuts that might be too over-the-top for mass consumption. The disc’s divided into two sections: INTENSE/DARK/DRAMATIC with cinematic cuts like the growing tension of “Tightening The Screws,” the Gothic darkness of “Revenant Unleashed” or the blurred line between horror and comedy in “Children Are Delicious.” The POSITIVE/GRAND/HOPEFUL section features proud, more inspirational themes, from the choral/orchestral majesty of “The Far Side of the World” to the Alt-Rock triumph of “Flare Up.”
Please address the above changes, including the distribution of the above disc, restoration of order to the office and the IMMEDIATE return of Shan Lee, the Chinese mail-order bride who’s living in my office.
Thank you.
Joseph Saba
