Does this rash look infected to you?
There are two signs of infection you should be aware of: the first is a dark red, blotchy skin appearance around the wound, which will be sensitive to the touch, and usually will seem to have a burning sensation. The second, is usually instantaneous death. If the second set of symptoms should occur, lie down and don't move or you'll start freaking people out. Also do not drive or call old girlfriends and ask if they're busy next weekend.
What do I do if I have a real question?
Go to the Get Started page.
What is 'NOISE GENERATOR' and why did I just randomly capitalize it?
The noise generator libraries are designed by award-winning producers and sound designers with one goal: to deliver sounds that other production element packages just don't offer. Featuring some of the strangest, hugest, disturbingest, & fetal-position-inducingest sounds ever heard, these dangerous collections of sonic condiments are perfect for TV, radio, post production, film, web, and multimedia use and abuse. All noise generator products are royalty -free and come with comprehensive, user-friendly color-coded booklets. For more info, visit: www.noisegenerator.com
Is VideoHelper a Buyout Library?
The answer is no. Unless you're willing to buyout the library in exchange for a date with Denise Richards. Then, the answer is "We're not sure -- we have to think about it." Sure, the answer would still later be 'no' -- but we would then have time to call all of our friends and tell them that we're going to pick up the phone and turn down a date with Denise Richards. So -- in a nutshell, the answer is no. Our library is available in both a needle-drop (called 'laser-drop' by some libraries) and yearly blanket license. Please call for more information if you don't understand what any of these terms mean. We will then place you on hold indefinitely, affording you the opportunity to research the definitions on other websites.
Who's Denise Richards?
She's the woman in 'Starship Troopers,' 'Wild Things' and some other movies that none of us can remember at this time.
Do You Know the Way To San Jose?
When we asked for frequently asked musical questions, this is not what we meant. Please stop sending questions like "What's It All About, Alfie?", "How Am I Supposed to Live Without You?", "Who Can It Be Now?" and -- the last straw: "Do You Think I'm Sexy?" We have no idea about any of these -- especially for the person who included a photo with the latter question.
Why didn't I get Disc 9 1/2: Noises & Drones, you bastards?
Disc 9 1/2, our collection of sound-design elements, was only sent out to our clients that regularly license our library -- or are yearly blanket license holders. If you haven't received one, it means (1) there was some major oversight, and you should call us to see if you should have one in your possession -- or, (2) you don't really count in our opinion, and we'd like to pretend you don't exist.
Who the hell dresses Stevie Wonder?
Okay. This is a musical question, but it doesn't even pertain to our music library. Try to stay focused. However, to answer your question we have no idea, but we've ruled out Laura Ashley, Martha Stewart and the Cure's Robert Smith.
Uh -- Is this Ingram and Company?
No. We think it's usually enough of a hint when we answer out phone with "VideoHelper, good [time of day]." And when we tell you that you've misdialed, please don't ask us if "we're sure." For those frankfurter-fingered callers out there, we don't mind you not being able to use a touch-tone -- but we do mind you throwing our employees into some Twilight-Zone-esque existential crisis.
Is this "Traci Gordon" a real woman?
Well, we ask you: What makes a "real" woman? Is it the ability to reproduce? The ability to marshall their power of sensuality to please a man (or woman)? The deep, emotional strength that comes with heightened empathy and awareness of the pains and joys of our existence? Is that what you mean? Then, no. Not at all.
Do you do custom music? News Packages? Show themes? Bar Mitzvah videos?
Well – kind of. We’ve done this stuff before (we’ve done the open music for ABC’s World News Tonight, the current theme package for 20/20 and branding for networks like MSNBC, for example – not to mention an embarrassing spate of all-mime pornographic films) but we only do it for our current library clients. Why? For two reasons: One, we tend to get requests for packages a lot and we just don’t have the time or the will to live to do it on a regular basis. We’d rather knock ourselves out and make our brand of musical stupidity available for those who truly love us. Two: ever since the rodeo accident, ol’ Clem hasn’t been the same.
Do you believe that existence is purely happenstance or, like the writings of Horace Hurke (1809-1876), do you think we follow a predetermined path?
We here at VideoHelper believe that our lives follow a predetermined path, much like a train carrying explosive cargo along its tracks, carelessly misdirected into the path of a passenger train by some angry, evil, underpaid rail services technician. We also believe that in less than one hour the trains will collide at speeds over 120 MPH – unless Rick Springfield/John Stamos/Jack Wagner (or all of them) can stop them in time using nothing more than a tube top and tweezers. Bear in Mind Horace Hurke (1809-1876) also wrote several TNT Movies of the week.
Who writes the liner notes/descriptions on your discs?
I do. Glad we could clear this one up.
What’s the best way to search for cuts in your library?
The best way is to use our search engine on the website – and use the database search function. Our descriptions are specifically laced with details like who the cut sounds like and what general genre it would work for. For example, if you’re looking for something that sounds like Ricky Martin, search for ‘Ricky Martin’ in the description and you’ll find a more specific return than if you just searched for ‘Latin’ cuts. This goes for specific composers (Beethoven, Copland for example) or even genres like ‘TV Cop Show’ or ‘Keith Moon Falling Down a Flight of Stairs.’
Does your library do ‘sound alikes?’
Nope. And we’re proud to say that – especially after the horrible toothbrushing accident which left us unable to use subjective clauses. Sometimes we like to capture the vibe of a group by using similar production techniques or try to sound like a generic song by an easily-identified band, but riffing on specific songs is just a bad idea, according to our lawyer, friends and the few surviving people who have seen us in leather pants and makeup. Sometimes, we like to think that people on the radio do sound-alikes of OUR stuff. We also like to think that we can talk to dolphins and that ‘The Flintstones’ was a documentary.
Where can I find someone who loves me despite this horrible facial deformity – oh – and rate information for your library?
Sometimes, finding a person who sees the true inner beauty of another person is a life-affirming experience. So is winning the lottery. Don’t get your hopes up. As far as the rates go, please check our website under the ‘Licensing’ heading and take a gander at our rate sheet. If you can’t find what you’re looking for on our rate sheet, you should hang your head in shame. Okay – then and only then you should call us.
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